


The Odd Wedding

by Milady_Montrose



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-05-24 15:59:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14957679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Milady_Montrose/pseuds/Milady_Montrose
Summary: Connie and Steven adopt a baby crow kidnapped by Lion. Not too long after, the bonds between humans and bird are so strong, a “wedding” is held to celebrate the momentous occasion! However, in the dark, a jealous Lion plots to remove the crafty crow…A request for Creepy-Pasta





	1. The Adoption

An inhuman screaming teased at Steven’s ears. At first, he brushed it off. But as the screeching grew louder, Steven realized the noise was real. At around the same time, Connie heard the noise herself.

She placed her sandwich down on a paper plate, and stood up. “Do you hear that?” She gazed over the beach, then back down the hill at the Beach House. A pink fleck strolled up the grass, towards them.

“That’s Lion!” said Steven, pointing.

“I didn’t know Lion could scream like that.” Said Connie. “Do you think he’s in trouble?”

“Uhh…probably not. He seems pretty relaxed.”

Connie readjusted her sun hat, and sat back down on the checkered cloth. Grabbing her sandwich, she bit a bite, and watched as Lion came closer. The screaming grew louder.

As Lion approached, the source of the screaming became clear. Lion had snagged a baby crow in his jaws. The baby bird shrieked and scolded and cried and flapped about in Lion’s jaws frantically. Despite the fuss in his mouth, Lion remained as sedate as a stone lion guarding a library.

Steven sprang up. “Lion!” He scolded. “What did I tell you about kidnapping little animals smaller than you?” Lion stopped a few paces from the picnic as Steven stomped over. Steven seized Lion’s jaws and did his best to tug them open, worming his fingers into the crack. “Come on! Let the birdy go! Let! It! G-!”

Lion cracked his jaws open a tad, and the baby crow shot out. Like a black lintball, it whisked across the grass. Connie caught it in a soft cloth bag as it passed by her, with her stellar reflexes. Connie closed the bag shut, and held it in the air as the crow within calmed down slowly. In the background, she could hear Steven scolding Lion.

The incident effectively ended the picnic. Connie looked over the rest of the food-a slice of chocolate pie, a thermos quarter full of lemonade, some sandwich crusts, bits and pieces of lettuce and onion, and a lot of potato salad, garnished with sweet red onions. Vidalia had given them a massive container of the stuff, partially because she had made too much and partially as a gift.

After a week of eating the salad, a gallon of the stuff still remained. Drastic action would have to be taken to reduce the potato salad’s numbers.

“I guess we’ll have to pack all this stuff up,” said Connie, waving her hands over the food, but the salad especially.

Lion sniffed at the food, and helped himself to the small things, like the crusts. Connie placed a hand on his snout, just as Lion’s eyes wandered over to the chocolate pie. “Chocolate isn’t good for lions. Right, Steven?”

Steven stopped tidying up. “Umm. I’m actually not sure. I saw him eating a Lion Licker once.”

“I always suspected Lions engaged in cannibalism.” Connie smacked her palm with her fist. Lion took that opportunity to snap up the last pie piece without anyone noticing.

 Steven stacked the dirty containers like Russian nesting dolls. He placed a small plastic one in a slightly larger glass one, and put those inside a larger plastic container. Soon, all the plastic containers had been packed up very neatly.

As the trio set out down the hill overlooking the many-armed statue, Connie held up the bag, with the cheeping crow inside. “I don’t think the crow’s too hurt. We can just set it free!”

“Now?” asked Steven.

“Yeah!” said Connie. She stopped to kneel in the grass. Undoing the drawstring of the black bag, she exposed the baby crow to the wide world. “Fly! Be freeeee…”

The crow stayed put in the folds of the bag, tilting its head all over. Connie cleared her throat. “Very funny. Come on, time for you to go home,” said Connie, nudging the bird a little on its rump. The bird jumped away from Connie’s finger, but otherwise made no move to leave.

“Maybe it’s hurt,” mused Steven, dropping his pack and crouching down to the bird’s level. The bird stared at Steven as he brought his face closer to the bird’s. “Are you hurt? Aww. I’ll help you…” Steven gently reached out for the bird, wrapping his fingers around the crow’s wings. The crow let out a series of ear splitting shrieks. Steven yelled, and almost dropped the shrieking crow.

The trio ran as quickly as they could, down the hill, to the Beach House. Connie assembled a temporary crow house, a cloth-lined box with a wooden dowel stabbed through it. Steven hovered the crow’s feet over the dowel. The crow seized the dowel tightly. “Now…let it go!” said Connie. On her cue, Steven let the crow go.

After a bit of flapping to stabilize itself, the crow stayed still on its dowel. “Ok!” said Connie. “That’s Step One! Now let’s stop that screaming.”

Connie rustled around for a bit, and took out another black sack. Folding it over itself once, Connie laid the sack over the crow’s body. The crow stopped screaming, and quietly spoke to itself.

“There. The darkness will calm the crow down,” said Connie, digging her phone out from her pocket..

“Whoa…” Steven looked at the crow’s outline. “You’re sure it won’t suffocate?”

Connie looked up from her phone. “Um, I don’t think so.” Connie glanced at the crow, and replied more confidence. “Nope! If the crow was suffocating, it would try to fly away. But now it’s completely calm. So it’s fine.”

“Okay,” said Steven. “So what should we do now?” He hugged his legs up to his chest, and rocked back and forth a little.

Connie scrolled down her phone with a thumb. “Let’s look at the crow, first, for injuries. Then we should try to feed it-but **not** water it!” She thrust a pointer finger at Steven, adding emphasis.

Steven rocked onto his back, splaying his legs and arms everywhere. “Why not? What if the birdy gets thirsty?”

“According to this website on rehabilitating baby crows…they get a lot of water from their food. I think that if the crow tries to drink water, they could breathe it up instead!”

“I didn’t know you breathe in water,” said Steven, squirming on the carpet.

“It makes sense though,” said Connie, rubbing her chin. “That’s how people drown! They can’t hold their breath anymore, then breathe in a big gulp of water and die!”

“Like how we got trapped at the bottom of the sea?”

…

That line of discussion was abandoned really quickly. Connie carefully lifted the cloth halfway, to inspect the crow’s body. Steven took ahold of the cloth, and as Connie folded her fingers around the crow, lifted it off. The crow began to squawk.

Connie inspected his wings, eyes, nose, feet, anything she could think of. Eventually, she determined the bird was fine. Lion probably just kidnapped the bird from his nest without hurting him. 

The two moved onto feeding the crow. Based on Connie’s research, they decided to feed the little bird mashed fruits and peanut butter.

Connie fetched a case of blueberries, and smashed them in a bowl. Taking a dollop of mashed blueberry, Steven hovered the food above the crow’s head. The crow made no move to acknowledge Steven.

Connie crouched near, and gently persuaded the crow to open its beak. Steven pushed the pea-sized lump of mashed blueberry down the bird’s throat. He ate the blueberry, then began screeching for more.

Connie and Steven spent the next couple of days caring for the bird continually. When Connie was busy, Steven would keep the bird near him, feeding him, tidying after him, providing him with a large space to live in (no cages for Steven’s baby!) and letting him soak up much-needed sun.

* * *

Some time later, in the dead of the night, Lion peered through the window of the Beach House at the sleeping baby crow. The little black crow had already become lodged deep in Steven’s heart, like a thin metal splinter in a finger. Steven would not let Lion in the house when the dumb bird was inside, to keep Jet safe. Lion had only brought the bird to Steven for him to heal him (how could Lion know the bird was just screaming pointlessly?) not to get attached.

More than a little upset, Lion loped away, to the Barn. The crows that liked to line around the Barn and wait for Lapis to feed them had left, because they thought the area was no longer safe. Lion had borne witness to a bunch of bratty young kids sneaking up on one of the crows’ nests, further in the forest. The kids had dislodged the nest from the tree; the baby bird fell out. The parents attacked the brats, trying to drive them away.

Lion watched as a bystander. Eventually, the kids ran away, laughing. Lion waited until everyone was gone, then pursued and snapped up the baby crow.

The crow had been shrieking and flapping its wings wildly. At the moment, Lion thought the brats had hurt the baby crow, so he brought it to Steven for healing. Apparently, he had been duped by the clever crow. 

At the Barn, Lion sniffed out Lapis, seeker of that same baby crow Lion had took. Once she found it, she could assure her flock that it was safe again. All this time the baby crow was absent, the crow flock kept a distance. Lapis could approach, but the crows would not approach the Barn, preferring the dense trees.

Lion managed to get Lapis to follow him to the Beach House, and pointed out the baby crow.

 


	2. The Preparation

Sometime after the adoption of Jet the Crow, Steven and Connie decided to make it official with an adoption ceremony. Steven sat on his bed, planning for the ceremony, when Connie suggested a far better idea.

“See, Connie! We are now the proud parents of a fussy young crow”-Jet shrieked from downstairs-“but we forgot an important thing!”

“What’s that?” asked Connie, jumping onto the bed.

“An adoption ceremony!” Steven pumped his arms in the air. “I’m the daddy! You’re the mommy! And Jet is the kid!”

“Yay!” celebrated Connie, clapping.

“And do you know what that calls for?” asked Steven.

“Marriage!” yelled Connie, throwing her fists in the air.

That was not the answer Steven had been expecting. In fact, the question had been mostly rhetorical. “Umm…like a real one?”

“No! Like a fun one,” corrected Connie.

“Like a party!” said Steven. “Okay! That sounds more fun than an adoption ceremony!”

The two drew up a list of invited guests, and traveled all over Beach City delivering them. Steven first delivered the invitations to the three Crystal Gems. Pearl cried, without even opening the envelope, “You’re getting married?! I-”

“I think it’s more of a joke wedding, Pearl,” interrupted Amethyst, stashing the white and red invite in her shirt’s neckline.

“Well-even then…” stammered Pearl.

“I look forward to it,” said Garnet, smiling. “Have fun, Steven.”

When Steven gave Peridot her invite, he also explained to her what a wedding was. “It’s an event when two people who love each other very much celebrate their love!”

“A whole-day event to convey a bunch of words? That sounds very inefficient,” said Peridot with a sniff, holding the invite up to the air. The sunlight illuminated the invitation within the envelope. “It would be much quicker and fruitful to speak the message face-to-face. Plus, there would be instant feedback on whether said person reciprocates those feelings.”

“That’s not very romantic, Peridot! And besides, when people get married, they already know they love each other.”

“Hmph.” Peridot finally said, “I’ll be there. If you want.”

“Of course I want you to be there!” said Steven, hugging Peridot. The sound of steps from the upper floor of the Barn heralded Lapis’s presence.

“Oh, Lapis! Here!” Steven thrust Lapis’s invite at her. “Ta da!”

Lapis accepted the invite, opening the envelope as neatly as possible.

“So…did you find your crow, Lapis?” asked Steven.

Lapis squeezed out the invitation, and tapped it against her mouth. “I don’t know whether Jet is the crow I’m looking for. You said Lion had him…?”

“Yep! But didn’t a bunch of boys destroy that nest?” asked Steven.

Lapis nodded, and thought a bit. “That’s right. When my flock comes back from their migration…then we’ll know for sure…”

“I didn’t know that crows migrate!” Steven exclaimed.

“Some of them do, some of them don’t. The parents whose child was taken from them are long gone. They left immediately after being attacked.” Lapis sighed. “I didn’t see the attack happen, so I don’t really know what the child looks like.”

“Next time we can take pictures of each one,” Peridot suggested, trying to enter the conversation somehow.

Lapis paused for a bit. “All crows look alike to me.”

“I’m sure you’ll find him! Or her!” Steven said. “I have to go deliver the rest of these!”

Steven waved goodbye, leaving Lapis to twirl the invite between her fingers, and Peridot to open her invitation.

Next up was Steven’s father, Greg. Greg’s first reaction was to panic. “Stew-ball, I don’t have a suit to wear!”

“You don’t need to wear a suit! It’s just for fun!” Steven reassured Greg.

Greg frowned. “It would look pretty tacky to go wearing this!” Greg gestured at his clothes, torn-up shorts and a T-shirt. Steven eventually persuaded Greg to just wear a nice collared shirt and some clean pants.

Connie decided the “wedding” would be held outside, on the sand. She started assembling the venue very early in the morning for the next day, using Amethyst’s generously supplied help. She borrowed from Greg a long sheet, and laid it over the sand. She used six picks to pin the sheet to the sand, digging them deep.

This was not a serious affair-even though Connie did plan for a serious wedding in the far off future-so she decided a simple “wedding” would be best. What were the essential elements of a wedding? Two people getting married, a happy crowd, with pretty decorations on the side.

Using the square cloth as a template, Connie set up a half-circle of seating. At first, she thought to use plain chairs from hers and Steven’s houses. However, when she visualized the scene in her mind, the picture did not give off the classiness she’d hoped for.

So Connie set about for a different form of seating. For her seating, she traveled through Amethyst’s junk, poking and searching around. Amethyst hovered around her like a mama duck supervising her babies. Eventually, Connie decided.

“So do you want these couches?” asked Amethyst, petting the floral pattern of a few couches stacked on top of each other. “Or these leather sofas?” Amethyst bounced up and down on one.

“Nope!” said Connie. Connie ran from Amethyst’s room, to a place that had caught her attention. Massive nickel-iron crystals grew from a molten meteorite lake, scraping the ceiling. Amethyst’s eyes popped. “You owe me bigtime for this.” With a great amount of effort, Amethyst fractured off three huge nickel-iron chunks with flat surfaces. Amethyst used her whip to break and file down the sharp edges, with mixed results.

Eventually, Amethyst lugged out three good specimens into the beach. The chunks could not fit through the temple door, so Amethyst and Connie went out a back door of the temple. Amethyst flung the three chunks into place. Connie ran up to the three-foot tall “blocks”, admiring the fine Widmanstätten patterns on their faces. As Connie moved back and forth, the patterns shimmered.

“Oh, Amethyst! This is beautiful!” crooned Connie, running her palm over the surface.

“Don’t do that.” Amethyst said brusquely, drenched in enough sweat to take another shower with. “Anything else?”

As it turned out, there were many other things Connie had planned. But first, Connie bribed Amethyst to keep helping with a used can of engine oil. Doug had changed the oil in their family car, but had put off disposing of the used oil for the longest. In one swoop, Connie disposed of the oil and fed Amethyst.

At the corners of the cloth, Connie decided to erect four poles, to fasten lighting to. “How are these, Connie?” Spirits restored, Amethyst lugged out several massive Gem weapons from her room in the temple.

Amethyst laid them out on the sand. “I’m coming through!” she yelled as she did so. She had been holding the heavy weapons above her head, forcing herself to look down-she couldn’t see Connie.

“I’m all right!” yelled Connie back. “Just set them down right here.”

Amethyst laid the massive weapons like a chef would lay out knives. “What kinda vibe are you going for in this shindig?” Amethyst pointed at a bunch of three lances. “Those would be pret-ty easy to put in the ground. And they’d look just like normal poles. Thing is, we’re short just one lance.”

“Then we have these four battle axes. Personally, I’d set ‘em up so the blades point towards the guests.” Amethyst sniggered. “We’ve also got five, six, broadswords. You guys could cut yourself on those babies, though. There are pikes, war hammers-”

“Let’s go with the war hammers!” exclaimed Connie excitedly.

“All righty,” said Amethyst. She placed the hammers, head on the sand, at the four corners of the cloth. Unfortunately, only two of the hammers were identical-6 foot tall neon pink hammers with rose-pink roses and removable tassels to match. The tassels were ceremonial, so Amethyst had re-fastened them.

The other two hammers were different from the Rose Hammers and from each other. One of them was a large, red hammer twice as long as the others. Snakes and fangs decorated the hilt and blade; this too, had a tassel. The other was identical to the Rose Hammers, just in a yellow color. Unless Amethyst missed her guess, the red hammer had belonged to a high-up Homeworld Commander, and the neon yellow hammer was a Rose Hammer variant.

Connie had Amethyst wrap and tie white lighting all over the hammer hilts. The lights plugged into an outlet at the base of the Beach House. When Connie hit the lights, the white lights shone against the four hammers, casting eerie shadows everywhere. The tassels flapped and writhed in the wind, creating rustling noises.

Amethyst said, “…Maybe I can just buy steel poles from a hardware store. Or borrow them from Greg, or Vidalia or-” Connie interrupted Amethyst, thanking her. Amethyst still felt the entire hammer getup sounded better in her head than in reality.

Behind the brick stand, Connie yanked a movable trellis from her backyard, and set it down. Once the trellis had its feet firmly embedded within the ground, Connie draped the trellis with flowers, tiny toy dinosaurs, and other greenery.

Steven finished delivering all the invitations before Connie had finished setting up the venue for the next day. Steven helped Connie finish, and added his own design ideas.

“Connie, those hammers look pretty creepy,” said Steven, pointing especially at the large red one.

“Really? Isn’t it kind of cool, having Gem Weapons all around you?” asked Connie.

“What if they fall?” asked Steven. “Maybe we should take them down.”

“No way!” protested Connie, standing by one of the pink hammers. “They look great, Steve! Besides, if we take the hammers down what will we use to hang up the lights?”

“Maybe we don’t need lights?” asked Steven tentatively.

Connie scowled.

“Let’s just have the ceremony in the daytime,” said Steven.

“It’ll be 100 degrees tomorrow,” said Connie.

The two continued to argue until finally, Steven decided to let the hammers go. “But I have to add my own, prettier, decorations!”

Amethyst, who did the grunt work, added several grotesque stone sculptures, placing them near the seating and all around the venue. Finally, Amethyst out her foot down. “You guys have enough stuff. See? You’ve got hammers, gargoyles, bricks, movie posters…” Amethyst trailed off. “At some point you have to stop adding stuff. More is less, less is more, and all that.”

Once all decorating had finished, Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl came outside to rehearse the ceremony. Garnet had elected herself as the master of ceremonies, and had drawn up a speech and a “performance”. The quintet practiced late into the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be out in a few days!


	3. The Festivities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cue the wedding bells!

The day of the wedding was set for early in the morning, when the sun had not yet peeked over the horizon. Steven wanted everyone to watch the sunrise during the breakfast and brunch, right after the ceremony; in addition, the eerie grey light of the dawn poorly illuminated the venue, casting shadows everywhere. Steven rose early in the morning, early enough to make him swear never to do this again, and tidied himself up. As Steven ate breakfast, Amethyst entered the Beach House from outside.

“You’re up early,” Steven noted.

“Yup,” said Amethyst, joining Steven at the bar. “I’m invested in your little show now. You’ve got a lot of my stuff out there where anyone could go and nab somethin',” Amethyst cracked open a fresh can of transmission fluid and chugged it.

“Oh. Ohhhhhhhh!” gasped Steven. “Sorry. I don’t think anyone in Beach City would take your stuff though. Is it still all there?”

Amethyst drained the can and licked out the inside of the rim. “Steven, I was joking.” Steven threw his head back and gave a laugh so fake it could have come from a can. Amethyst reassured him some more. “I was just making sure your things didn’t get blown away by the wind or soaked by the sea.”

Steven finished his pancake breakfast topped with raspberries, and ran to change his clothes. He and Connie had pondered over what to wear last night. Dress, or suit? On the one hand, a nice black suit looked terribly dapper, and offered a greater range of motion. On the other hand, a dress could be customized and accessorized more than a black suit could be, plus dresses looked quite elegant. Especially the solid color ones. The patterned dresses weren’t half bad either.

Steven and Connie resolved the issue by wearing a nice dress of their choosing underneath a suit. Steven had kept his suit from Empire City, but Connie would just borrow one of her dad’s suits that he wore when he was 13 or so.

Amethyst helped him tidy up the look, and offered him a choice of flowers: onion flowers, artichoke flowers, or roses, all courtesy of Vidalia. Vidalia said, “Look, Steven! Here we have red roses, for lovers, white roses, for humility, yellow for ecstasy, pink for thankfulness and veneration; orange for desire, and finally, blue roses that represent love at first sight and unattainable things.” Speech finished, Vidalia let out a huff of air. “My, that was a mouthful.”

Greg gazed over the wheelbarrow of choices Vidalia provided. "This is a lot of stuff, Vidalia! Wow." Greg picked up a blue rose. Blue liquid oozed off the petals splattering all over his fingers. "Yuck!" yelled Greg, shaking off the liquid.

“Hey, Vidalia.” Amethyst whispered. “You said ecstasy. _Ecstasy._ Get it?” Amethyst and Vidalia sniggered. “Also, did you paint those blue roses?” she added. Vidalia had to admit she did. Greg scolded the two, "Knock it off, you guys."

Roses…an image of Rose Quartz, Steven’s mother, flashed in his mind. Steven hesitated, but then said: “I don’t really want roses.”

Amethyst sobered up. “Ok.”

Steven chose the artichoke flower, a gorgeous purple to go against his black suit and sea green dress. Amethyst nodded. “I’ll fasten ‘em up for ya.” As she did so, she placed a bracing hand on Steven’s shoulder. “Buck up, kid. We’re gonna have a lot of fun today.” And she was off. Greg leaned down besides Steven, running his fingers through his hair. "Have fun, kiddo. I'll be cheering for you."

Vidalia took off soon after, to bring some appetizers. Her husband Yellowtail had promised to bring a big, raw, fish as a gift.

Connie arrived a few minutes later, already dressed in a tan suit a bit too big and a sunflower yellow dress. She had a black-oil sunflower pinned to her suit. Apparently, a few sunflowers grew near her house. Groom and Bride admired each other’s choice of dress, posing in the mirrors and gazing at each other.

Not so after, the guests arrived; Connie directed them to the seating. Quite a few of them remarked on the decorations, especially the hammers. “What in the hell is that?” Peedee Fryman half-shouted, half-asked, pointing at the 12-foot tall red hammer. “Peedee…” warned Mr. Fryman.

Sour Cream surreptitiously stuck neon rave sticks in a few of the gargoyles’ mouths, while Onion hugged a statue of a giant tearing another giant in two. These statues had been placed courtesy of Amethyst, who had once commissioned an Italian sculptor to carve out some statues for her.

“Are those real?” asked Priyanka, gesturing at the pink hammers. Before Connie could say anything, Amethyst proudly answered in the affirmative. “They sure are! That was Connie’s idea, but personally, I would have gone with the war axes.”

 “Oh. What an…authentic touch.” Priyanka said, sitting down closest to where Connie would stand. She craned her head around, gazing at the blade of a hammer, as if wondering whether it would fall or not. Priyanka wrapped a faded but still pretty, flowered scarf around her daughter's arm, and Amethyst split so the family could have a little privacy.

Doug said, "This is how knights in the medieval ages recognized each other!"

"By tying special scarves around their chosen ones' wrists. An abominable activity, but a sweet gesture. Have fun Connie," said Priyanka, patting her daughter's hair.

“Is that mine?” Doug asked Connie, looking at the tan suit. “Yes!” said Connie, rolling her shoulders underneath the thick cloth. “It’s…really thick.” The suit warmed Connie up more than she had expected. “…Connie, I think that’s my pilot coat. That’s not my old suit.”

Greg took his seat, closest to where Steven would stand. Pearl stood near the brick stand, and Peridot sat next to Greg. Lapis perched atop the tallest hammer’s tassel, overlooking the proceedings. She hauled a basket full of streamers up with her, and threw a few handful down every now and then. Once all the guests had taken their seats, Garnet stood behind Connie and Steven atop the brick platform. Jet, the Crow of Honor, perched atop Connie’s shoulder, and plucked black oil sunflower seeds from Connie’s corsage.

“We are all gathered here today to celebrate the adoption of this Crow, Jet”-Garnet grabbed Jet, folding her fingers around his wings securely, raising him up into the air-“and the marriage of these two great warriors, Connie Maheswaran and Steven Universe.”

The entire gathering clapped. After the hullaballoo died down, Pearl climbed up the brick platform, and spoke.

“Now the adoption of our friend, Jet. Jet is a magnificent American Crow, born in this very city. He loves his parents very much, awakening them before the sun has risen, demanding food at all hours, and occasionally gifts them dead rats.”

Jet screamed very loudly and enthusiastically. He did not know what in the world was going on, but he smelled fresh fish (courtesy of Yellowtail), black-oil sunflower seeds, and doughnuts. Jet squirmed as Pearl picked him up, and shrieked even more happily. Once Jet had finished his raucous celebrations, Pearl placed him in the entangled fingers and palms of Steven and Connie.

Pearl said, “Connie and Steven. Do accept the responsibility of raising a young crow?”

“Yes,” the two said.

“Do you promise to keep him fed, watered and loved at all times?” asked Garnet.

“Yes,” the two confirmed.

“Jet?” asked Pearl. The crow turned its head towards Pearl, peering at her quizzically. Lion quietly crept up behind all of them, placing his paws on the back of the stage. Garnet shot Lion a quick look. He could have his own party later. Lion roasted Jet with a glare, then receded away.

That was one jealous Lion, all right.

“Do you promise to love your parents, and take care of them in their old age?” asked Pearl.

Jet made a noise like a motorcycle revving up, and cawed long and proudly.

"Do you promise to teach your parents the ways of the crow?" asked Garnet.

"c-c-c-AAaaWWWWwwwWWW Caw! Caw!" called out Jet, snuggling deep into his parents' palms.

“You are now child and parents!” Pearl and Garnet proclaimed as one.

Connie and Steven gave the crow a kiss each, and that ceremony concluded with even more applause. Pearl leaped off the brick platform, standing under Connie.

“Let me now extol the virtues of the two warriors.” Garnet placed a palm on Connie’s shoulder, and turned her to face forward. On cue, Connie drew the sword from the sheath, resting the tip of the sword on the cream cloth covering the brick platform.

“All great warriors have a beginning, and Connie Maheswaran is no different. This brave warrior began her journey under the training of the **dainty** , _deadly_ dueler, Pearl!” Garnet gestured at Pearl with a graceful sweep of a palm. Pearl blushed a little, but summoned a sword and took a bow with a flourish.

“Under Pearl’s tutelage, our brave warrior learned to master the subtleties of combat by sword.” Connie demonstrated a few of the fancier techniques in the air, with Pearl mimicking her down below. “Once the teacher decided the student was ready, the real challenge began, to wield her sword in the open world. Our fierce warrior Connie has faced countless threats, from Holo-Pearls to Pearl herself to the dastardly Homeworld Gem Jasper. Connie has fought the Gem Monsters of the North, with teeth and fangs sharp, ready to pounce and snack upon unsuspecting travelers.” Garnet clawed her hands mimicked eating a hapless traveler. Onion quietly clapped his hands together for a bit before falling silent.

“She has fought the Gem Monsters of the Caves, with eyes glowing red and tails lashing to and fro. If you ever happen to be lost in such a cave, keep very silent!” Garnet placed a finger over her lips. “The Monsters always let out a hiss before they feed on human flesh.” Garnet mimed the devouring a poor soul. Priyanka's face paled a pasty white. Doug let out a small gasp.

“This warrior today is the bride. Now, we will extol the values of the groom.” On cue, Steven summoned the Rose Shield, resting the lip of the shield on the cream cloth covering the brick platform.

“I present to you the groom, Steven Universe, the second, current leader of the Crystal Gems! There have been many great leaders across the ages, but in my heart, Steven is the kindest, greatest of them all!” Garnet beamed proudly at Steven, whose ears turned red. Despite Steven’s pointing out that Rose was kind as well, Garnet insisted on keeping that line in her speech. Pearl, Amethyst (now underneath Steven) and Garnet summoned their weapons and struck a fancy pose each.

“Steven has shown great mercy towards all those that oppose him, even when to do so caused him much grief. Peridot”-Peridot seemed to shrink in her seat-“was once a great enemy of us Crystal Gems. Custodian of the Cluster, she aided the Homeworld Gem Jasper, and attacked us on many occasions. However, Steven reached out to Peridot, and after seeing the hypocrisy of her Commanders, Peridot has joined us, paying back Steven's kindness in full.”

“Of course, I refer to the Cluster sleeping below us even now. Steven and Peridot drilled down deep and made contact with the forced fusion, calming and soothing the scared beings down. The Cluster did not want to hurt us; the Cluster could not stop itself from bursting out! Steven helped the Cluster, bubbling it in the very center of the Earth.”

A murmur rippled through the crowd. Everyone in Beach City had felt those earthquakes. 

On cue Steven said, “One day, I’ll go back down and heal the Cluster completely!” 

“Of course, Steven not only possesses great diplomatic skills, but notable defensive skills. Steven bears the Rose Shield, a potent ward against harm. Our bride and groom are the sword and the shield-working together perfectly, whether separate as a dynamic duo, or working together as the warrior Stevonnie. A fit most beautiful. ”

The crowd clapped politely.

“Our bride and groom have formed a resilient bond. It is unthinkable that arguments will never come up. They have and always will, but the true strength of a bond lies in its resilience-no matter the arguments or hits that threaten to break a bond, it will persevere.” Garnet made a fist, clenching it tightly. 

“Do any here today have any objections to this match?” asked Garnet.

Silence.

“Very well,” said Garnet. Pearl whipped out of her Gem a shiny ivory-colored pearl case. Holding it up, she delivered the case to Garnet. Garnet opened the case, displaying an iridescent ribbon. The back of the ribbon sported a dark red surface, almost black, but the top had an iridescent sheen. As Garnet displayed the ribbon in the sun, rainbows played across the surface, like the essence of a soap bubble had been captured  inside. 

Garnet gave the ribbon to Jet, who gladly held it. Taking their palms, Garnet lifted Steven’s and Connie palms in the air, then tied their elbows together with the ribbon.

“Now the bride and groom may kiss!” pronounced Garnet.

Steven moved in a little awkwardly, and Connie leaned in…

…to the fluffy black feathers of their adopted bird, Jet. Just as the bride and groom got close, Jet had launched himself in between the two, laughing as only a crow can. The rest of the guests laughed as well.

Connie and Steven jerked back, leaving Garnet to collect Jet. The second time was better: Steven and Connie gave each other a nice kiss. More of a peck, really, a quick kiss, just right. 

The wedding concluded with great fanfare. Lapis flung all the streamers she had, dousing the air with color. Peridot helped her to clear the middle of the plaza, erecting a liquid water table right there. Yellowtail, carting a massive, raw, fish, placed the meat experimentally atop the table. Surprisingly, the water lapped at the fish and his hands, but the fish did not sink into the water.

Greg brought out a large chocolate cake, Vidalia brought some onion and vegetable pies, the Frymans whipped out a case of fries, and the other guests brought out their contributions. Everyone took a seat at Lapis’s strange moving water table, and happily talked, ate and watched the sun rise.

As the party proceeded, Garnet commanded the entire attention of the table with one remark. “Though this mock wedding was very fun, I’m quite certain there will be a real one in the future.”

The table erupted with celebration, shock (neither Greg nor Priyanka or Doug had heard of _this_ exciting development), congratulations, more streamers (courtesy of Lapis), and Sour Cream’s neon rave sticks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately, I don't that much about weddings, but I know they're supposed to be fun, so I tried to make the proceedings as fun as possible!
> 
> There will be an epilogue to wrap up the loose bits of this story. 
> 
> Also the statues looked like these!  
> http://www.bomarzo.net/index_en.html
> 
> Pilot coasts are aka pea coats.  
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pea_coat

**Author's Note:**

> Crow rehabilitation:   
> http://www.pookapages.com/gruenwold/CrowCare.htm
> 
> Widmanstatten patterns:   
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Widmanst%C3%A4tten_pattern


End file.
